Please tell me you meet the news of Charlie Sheen receiving his own Comedy Central roast with a mixture of giggles and groans. Giggles for the potential insanity, and groans for the certain eventuality of tired-ass jokes about #winning, tiger blood, warlocks, and the eternal comic goldmine that is domestic abuse. Dicey. Thankfully, Movieline remembers that Charlie Sheen was once a (spit take!) movie star, and we think there’s amusing stuff to mine from his 30 years on the big screen. Join us as we offer roasters some cinephile fodder.
Film: Apocalypse Now
Roaster: Emilio Estevez
Line: “Yes, you had a cameo in Apocalypse Now, but you didn’t give Dad the heart attack he had on set. No, no. You gave Dad the alcoholism he had for the next 25 years.”
Film: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Roaster: Jeffrey Ross
Line: “You’re looking a little rougher these days, Charlie. We wanted to invite your old Ferris Bueller costar Jennifer Grey but figured she’d mistake you for the current Patrick Swayze.”
Film: Platoon
Roaster: Whitney Cummings
Line: “You said you ‘won Best Picture at 20.’ Well, Charlie, I saw that movie, and if anyone deserves an award for being covered in shit and dodging bullets, it’s one of your hookers.”
Film: The Chase
Roaster: Jon Cryer
Line: “I loved you in The Chase, a movie about a criminal who kidnaps a woman, evades authorities, and makes headlines as a maniac on the lam. I don’t know what Roger Ebert had to say about it, but I believe it’s a solid documentary.”
Film: Men at Work
Roaster: Lisa Lampanelli
Line: “I can’t believe you and Emilio starred in a movie called…
Cameron Diaz Cameron Richardson Camilla Belle Carla Campbell Carla Gugino Carmen Electra Carol Grow
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